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Do I have to wake up? I just woke up yesterday.
I like to drink while I clean and that`s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
Do you ever notice that when you´re driving, anyone going slower than you is an idiot and everyone driving faster than you is a maniac?
Apparently it was a bad idea to ask Siri, "What do women want?" She`s been talking for the last 2 days and doesn`t seem ready to shut up anytime soon.
But in my most troublesome times, I looked down and saw only one set of footprints. I asked the Lord why, and He replied that sand people ride single file to hide their numbers.
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that`s over with.
May you live to be so old that your driving terrifies people.
All I ask is that if we arm the teachers, that the librarians get silencers.
"I like your tree`s earring." ... "That`s a tire swing."
I’m beginning to think that I buy bananas just to watch them die a slow death in my kitchen.
Swans mate for life...in case you were wondering what made them so mean.
Whenever my son questions my knowledge on any subject, I just remind him that I`m older than the Internet.
Being an adult is mostly being exhausted, wishing you hadn`t made plans, and wondering how you hurt your back.
It`s really cold out there folks. If you`re heading to Wal-Mart, please wear two pairs of pajamas.
They say dolphins are the second smartest animal after humans, but I`ve never seen a dolphin with a face tattoo.