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Just think: right now, your body is cookin` up some poop.
Go through a fast food drive thru. When they repeat your order back to you, say "And can I get that to go?" and enjoy the confused silence.
My greatest talent is being able to watch 5 years worth of a TV shows in one week.
Christmas trees are like boobs...the fake ones are nice to look at... But the real ones are so much better
Before criticizing my taste, remember that I like you.
My face hurts from pretending to like you.
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn`t mean to eat it. I don`t want to be a bug.
keep scrolling… it gets better lol
I`m not saying that I`ve been online too long, I`m just saying that when I close my eyes I scroll through my thoughts
Love is like a rubber band, we keep pulling, someone let’s it go, and it hurts the one who held on.
Never buy crystal meth from a guy with a full set of teeth. He`s obviously an undercover cop.
I hate it when I tell someone I`ll be there in 10 minutes, but they continue to call me every half-hour anyway
All I want for Christmas is for these calories to not count.
I only have one word for women who look at me like I’m some kind of sex object ... Hi.
scientific fact: never tell a woman she`s crazy unless you want to see crazy.