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7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
Testing.. Testing.. This is a test. If this were an actual ploy for attention.. I would`ve said "bacon" or "boobies."
When people on Facebook say they lost their phone and need everyone’s numbers again, I text them: “Guess who?” for 2 weeks.
Women come in two types: batsiht crazy and hot enough to ignore the batsiht crazy…
I can`t decide what`s more embarrassing - the fact that I still live out of a suitcase, or that I`m a professional ventriloquist dummy.
I would of never even thought of touching half the things that I`ve touched, if it weren`t for the "Do not touch" signs!
Today is national bring your flask to work day. I just made it up. Tell the others...
Just because someone`s richer or more famous or talented doesn`t mean they`re happy. It just means they`re happier than YOU.
never trust a man in a wheelchair with dirty shoes
I am not sure, but I think I just heard my cup of coffee say, "You are my b*tch"
Is anyone else`s alcohol tolerance too high for their paycheck?
Sometimes, when I wake up in the morning, I`ll read 4 or 5 status updates and I`ll cry, because I relieze how dysfunctional some of my friends life`s are. but then I`ll smile when I remember things like the leftover pizza from last night sitting on the coffee table!
Note: the 5 second rule does not apply to soup.
Sitting out in my front yard pointing a hair dryer at speeding cars to see if any slow down.
I`m only responsible for what I say, not for what you understand