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You never realize how boring your life is until someone asks what you like to do for fun.
I keep forgetting how bad my memory has become..
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband.
If you cry loudly enough at a Walmart everyone will just assume you work there.
Today is the day I go back to the gym. Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
I fell off the wagon because I was too drunk to keep my balance
A lot of people do not realize that the actor who played Wilson in Castaway is the same actor from the volleyball scene in Top Gun.
If you think buying condoms is awkward, try returning them.
A word to the wise ain`t necessary - it`s the stupid ones that need the advice!
I see you`ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
"We`d be rich if you just said one f*cking word" - me, drunk, talking to my dog
There should be an "oh my god, shut up already" button.
If pigs could fly, nobody would be eating chicken wings.
I`m not saying I`m out of shape but I just stretched, got winded, and need to lie down
Just once, I want to see a pregnancy test commercial where the female is like, "Aww, f*ck..."