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10 REASONS WHY I`M LAZY... you know what? Never mind. I can do this later.
Not to brag, but I`m pretty good in bed. I don`t snore or steal covers, and I only pee if something startles me.
When someone says “you’re the best,” just know that it’s not really true because I’m the best.
There are over 10 different flavors of Ramen Noodles, yet they all taste like poverty and loneliness.
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I`m looking for the thumbs-down button.
For you men who think a woman’s place is in the kitchen, remember… that’s where the knives are kept.
Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity........thats how rich I want to be.
I didn’t scream out someone else’s name during sex. I was thinking of baby names in case you get pregnant…
Scientists have yet to explain how 300 people can be working at a Wal-Mart but only 4 registers will be open.
I may be wrong, but I doubt it.
I`ve started an exercise program. I do 20 sit-ups each morning. That may not sound like a lot, but you can only hit that snooze button so many times.
The only thing my girlfriend blows is everything out of proportion.
I self medicate, therefore you live.
If "Cops" has taught me anything it`s to stay away from people with blurry faces, they`re nothing but trouble...
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.