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FACT: If you want to keep a secret from me, put it inside a Facebook event invitation.
Call me lazy, but if it takes two clicks I’m not reading it.
never judges a book by its cover. I use the paragraph on the back, it tells you what the story is about.
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn. And now we wait...
It took Harry Potter 7 damn long books to catch the bad guy. When it only takes Scooby-Doo 25 minutes.
Well aren`t you a f*cking waste of two billion years of evolution.
It`s been discovered that 1% of the population is allergic to Gluten. The other 99% are sick and tired of hearing about it......
If you`re going to be two faced, at least make one of them pretty
Do you think regular dogs see police dogs and think, “Oh crap! It’s the cops!”?
My entire existence is just me sitting around waiting to get hungry again.
Porn is a lot like yoga pants. Not everybody should be in them.
Picking up someone at a bar when you`re drunk, is like going to the grocery store hungry... You end up taking home crap you didn`t want
Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance... The five stages of waking up.
Okay I`m going to workout. Should I post about it now or after I`m done?
The best thing about my phone screen shattering is that it now matches my dreams and aspirations.