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Nothing shuts my pie hole more than an actual pie.
ME: “We have a problem, the liquor store is closed.” HER: “That`s ok, I don’t drink.” ME: “Ok we have two problems.”
Thank God! the women with 3 boobs was a hoax... I just couldn`t wrap my hands around it....
The most powerful I ever feel is waving pedestrians to walk in front of my car. "Go forth, and trust that I will not kill you."
Answer your phone, "come in" just to mess with people once in a while. Count how many seconds it takes for them to respond.
I just don`t want to look back and think "I could`ve eaten that"
I sleep better naked.. why can´t the flight attendants understand this?
It must be really hard to judge wet t-shirt contests. I saw one recently, and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
I`ve made up my mind, I`m not giving up anything for Lent, I`m no quitter...
Etc... A word used to make others believe that you know more than you actually do
All you need is WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn`t move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn`t, use the tape.
That Awkward Moment when you’re being sarcastic and someone believes you.
My body is by no means a temple but it can be one heck of a amusement park ride...
Somebody needs to teach opportunity how to use a doorbell.
Fast food places should have a third window, where you can trade in the wrong stuff they gave you at the second window.