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Silence is Golden, except when coming from children… Then you’d better go check to see what’s broken.
I wasn`t planning on going for a run today, but those cops came out of nowhere.
You can’t believe everything you hear, but you can repeat it.
Texting totally changes your perception of how long stoplights are.
My New Year`s resolution was to lose 15 lbs by the middle of February. I have 20 lbs. to go.
My tombstone will probably say, "Dead, but finally sober".
I know they didn`t ask for it, but I sent a stool sample in with my tax returns.
No matter how much you push the envelope - it`ll still be stationery.
The only time I proof read is to see how much alcohol comes in a bottle.
is pondering why people have a favorite color M&M when they all taste the same!
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can`t do is pick up it`s own poop. You`re just a poop collector.
Marriage counseling - because sometimes your spouse needs to hear from a professional that they are being an a$$
Talking to me this morning is like trying to dribble a ball with not enough air in it.
I have decided to follow my dreams.....starting with that one where I am naked at work.
How do you expect kids to listen to their parents when Tarzan lives half naked, Cinderella comes home at midnight, Pinocchio lies all the time, Alladin is the king of thieves, Batman drives at 200 mph, Sleeping Beauty is lazy, and Snow White lives with 7 guys. We shouldn’t be surprised when they misbehave, they get it from their storybooks!