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Sorry I’m cranky. I didn’t get my nap in today.
Are you bored? Head over to Walmart, go into a fitting room, shut the door, wait awhile, and then yell very loudly, `Hey! There`s no toilet paper in here.`
If you want your wife or girlfriend to listen and pay undivided attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
I walked into a bar in my pirate suit and a ships wheel in my pants.... The bartender asked... "Why do you have a wheel in your pants"? I replied "Argh.. it`s driving me nuts".
Life would be more simple if the person who named the orange an orange would have named more things. ;) Just Sayin`
I just spent an hour at the gym. I couldn’t find a close enough parking spot so I left.
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
I read an article the other day that said if you drink every day you are an alcoholic. Thank God I only drink every night.
Dear Carly Simon, Yes I am so vain that I do think that song is about me.
I try not to laugh at my own jokes. But we all know I`m hilarious.
I know its true love when I like you even when I`m sober.
Walking out of a store after not buying anything and thinking, "try not to act like a criminal, try not to act like a criminal."
If owls are so smart, how come they don`t say "Whom"?
What am I doing with the rest of my life? I don`t even know what I`m doing with the rest of this post...
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.