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McDonald`s should have a 3rd window, where you can trade in all the wrong sh!t they gave you at the second window.
I can`t understand why women are okay that JCPenney has an older women`s clothing line named, "Sag Harbor."
My girlfriend said that I should use the term `make love` instead of `f*ck.` What the make love is she talking about?
Do people who run know that we’re not food anymore.
I haven`t slept for three days, because that would be too long
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
I`m convinced that every time a sock goes missing from the dryer, it comes back as an extra tupperware lid.
I wish more people would give me the silent treatment.
You think your wife is crazy now? Try divorcing her
Love is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.
If they made a movie of my life, it would just be a lot of scenes where I`m looking for something to wipe my hands on.
Drinking doesn’t make me post better Facebook status updates; it just makes me not care what you think of them…
DO NOT expect a "Bless You" after your 3rd sneeze. Get that sh!t under control.
…and for my next trick, I will pull this dryer sheet out of my sleeve!
HR says I`m not allowed to scream "OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP" when I walk through the front door at work anymore :(