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I`m amazed at the mileage my car is getting. I`m still running off the same tank of gas I bought last year!
I`ve actually have come to the conclusion that some of today`s youth may actually believe "laughing out loud" is actually spelled "lol"
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
I’m like a kid in a candy store. I can’t afford anything.
I went to McDonalds, put 5 dollars on the counter and said "Surprise me". Because I never get what I ask for anyway!
The woman that just drove past me was either doing a huge yawn or her brakes have failed....
LSD makes users lose weight` That makes sense, it`s kinda hard to get to the fridge when there`s a dragon guarding it.
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don`t think this relationship is going to work.
If you died and went to he!l, how long will it take you to realise that you aren`t still at work?
The next person that tells me I have no shame…probably knows me pretty darn well.
Language is cool because it`s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
Well, I’m bored again. Time to open the fridge
I like to stop the microwave with 1 second to go. Makes me feel like a bomb defusal expert.
My Christmas present to all of you? I took a naked selfie and deleted it.
Sometimes, when dealing with people, you can`t help but stop and think, "Yup, I`m about to get my first assault charge."