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Nothing shuts my pie hole more than an actual pie.
I’m sorry I’m late. I saw a drawing of the sun wearing sunglasses and spent 4 hours wondering what the f**k he was protecting his eyes from.
When I say “the other day” I could mean yesterday or 5 years ago there’s no in between.
I stick pins and needles in the people I don`t like because can`t afford voodoo dolls.
Laugh if you will but this night-light has an undefeated record at repelling Boogeymen.
Im not sure Im comfortable with the fact that there is now a bunch of people in white coats furiously scribbling notes behind a big glass window while im talking to my therapist. Im suppose to just "ignore" them.
A touching letter by a little girl to Santa on Christmas: Dear Santa, Please give clothes to all those poor ladies in daddy`s laptop
I saw the city workers putting up a sign on my street and it says Bumpy road ... so I put up a sign that says ,, FIX IT !
Sixth in line to the throne takes on a different meaning when you’re not in the royal family but in a dive bar.
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
Today I saw a sign for a suicide helpline on the back of a bus. Wouldn`t it be a lot more helpful if it was on the front?
I may be stupid but im also dumb! :D
The best trick the devil ever pulled was calling herself "him".
The only reason any of us can spell laboratory is because of Dexter.
Congratulation! You`ve won a lifetime supply of air! Not valid under water, in space, when dead, or while choking.