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In post apocalyptic movies everyone wears leather ... but there are no cows.
I`ve been holding my stomach in for 3 years now so don`t talk to me about dedication
Only in math problems you can buy 60 watermelons and nobody asks what the hell is wrong with you.
I don`t always have awkward moments, but when I do I make sure I write them on Facebook so my friends know how awkward they were.
Sometimes I wish I wasn`t rich and handsome and delusional.
Hardest question in a relationship, "What do you feel like eating?"
Always thought the 4 words I never wanted to hear from my wife was "I want a divorce". Turns out its actually, "What is your password".
Why does `beans` only mean secret when it`s "Don`t spill the beans?" Why can`t I say I have a dirty little beans to tell you?
Here hold my dignity, I`ve got some sketchy shit to do.
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
Ahhh..Sunday..the biggest decision of the day...to bathe or not to bathe.
The key to a successful relationship: Tools > Internet Options > Clear history.
It`s such a beautiful day I had to open the window while I watched TV
7.1 billion people in the world. 0 willing to lower their standards and date me.
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers. Nothing bad has happened, but Iām trying to be proactive.