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Don`t judge if you don`t know me. Unless you`re my bartender & you say "This guy looks like he needs another double vodka martini" then please do..
I just ran 3.5 miles in 30 minutes! Ha! Just kidding, I ate some ice cream.
There are only two types of honest people in this world, small children and drunk people.
1 in 5 bosses will let you leave work early if you claim to have `lady problems` then start crying. It works even better for guys.
My wife is pissed at me again...appearently I am breathing wrong.
I need a Shazam app for people I`m supposed to recognize but can`t remember
Break the ice in a crowded elevator by asking how much everyone weighs.
I wonder what Facebook employees do at work to waste time.
I love arguing with you so much, I`ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
Calories: Tiny creatures that live in your closet and sew your clothes a little tighter each night.
The people who make medicine clearly have no idea what fruit tastes like
You know why it`s called almond milk? Cuz you can`t say nut juice with a straight face
OMG!!!!! I almost went to the toilet without my phone!
Bicyclists, it`s one thing to hog the road, but it`s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
There’s no such thing as being ready for vacation to be over.