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Any perfume that claims it will help you seduce a man is lying if it doesn’t smell like a pizza.
Today is different because after you lie to someone, you tell them you were lying.
I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included.
I`m like a kid in a candy store. I can`t afford anything.
Funny how things change with time, I used to hate spankings.. ;)
Ugh, I have an ingrown hair and it really hurts. This sounds like a job for medical marijuana.
Google was first named, `BackRub`. If they hadn`t changed the name, we`d be saying, `I don`t know, go BackRub it.`
My parents told me: “You’ve got to stop watching so much TV, and read more!” so I turned on the subtitles.
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2.
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How sh!tty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
Whew, good thing there`s a facebook petition for ending the shutdown, or else we`d be in real trouble.
Dear Vegetarians, Thanks for saving the good food for us.
I`d like to share my innermost thoughts and feelings with all of you, but I`m afraid they`ll be used against me in court someday.
"That`s close enough..." ~Government worker
Just finished building Rome with Legos. Took me a day.