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Dear food, Either stop being so delicious or stop making me fat.
Ha! Who`s laughing now, f*ckers that took your Christmas lights down last year!
It`s hard to trust humans; even the blind prefer to be guided by dogs.
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
You can learn a lot about a woman by watching her load a gun.
Sorry I said "Better you than me" when you showed me your baby.
I`m going to be the first person to land on the sun! I know what your thinking and thats why I will be going at night.
Possible Fact: White guys with corn rows make dangerous zombies, cuz you can`t possibly run away while laughing that hard at the same time.
Why do people ask "what the hell were you thinking"? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it.
The only stock options I have are chicken and beef.
Shouting "Shotgun" will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
Ladies, stop looking for a guy to sweep you off your feet. Sweeping is your job
I bet heroin addicts can open a Capri sun on the first try.
I`m fairly certain that kids only have ears for decorative purposes.
This day will end with either wine or shopping. Probably both.