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If you just got invited to do something on New Year`s Eve, it means someone else cancelled.
Welcome to Alzheimer`s Club. I see a lot of new faces today.
Taking shots of Tequila is just another way of saying, "I like where I wake up to always be a surprise."
My inner child is a drunken whore
Standing up: Wow, I`m actually kind of skinny. Sitting down: Okay, maybe not..
Oh, I thought you were talking about napping. In that case no, I`m not good in bed.
If history repeats itself, I´m totally getting a dinosaur.
How do they fit all that money inside such a tiny credit card??
Nothing f*cks up your Friday like realizing that it`s only Tuesday
Today I recently discovered how to make my p@nis 12"...I just fold that b!tch in half.
I`m out of bed and dressed. What more do you want?
If all the world´s a stage, I want to operate the trap door.
The only thing more amusing than someone leaving a voicemail is them asking if you actually listened to it.
I want you to know that whatever problems you`re having, I`m here to read about it on Facebook
I’m glad I’m me, I don’t think anybody else could take it.