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Never trust a skinny chef
If you read your timeline backwards it is about a person who hates everything and gradually becomes happier until they get a life.
The problem with the general public is that it`s made of people.
Why would you be scared to get Ebola? You haven`t left your couch since 2011.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that if you encounter enemies then you’re going the right way.
It`s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
The only thing I drink from a shot glass nowdays is Maalox.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don`t use words like "East."
I hate it when I gain 20 pounds for a role and then realize I`m not an actor.
Before having a kid the most important thing to ask yourself is “Am I ready to watch the exact same cartoon on repeat for the next 4 years?”
You know what they say about men with big feet ;)..........We always have trouble finding shoes that fit.
On the bottle of mouthwash it says "24 hour protection", so why do the directions say "Use Twice Daily"?
If you can`t handle me at my worst, then that sucks because that`s all there is to me.
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
"There are singles in your area." - me telling a stripper she forgot some money on the floor