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Easter can be just as much fun as an adult as it was as a child. Just paint and hide beer cans instead of eggs.
If I could turn invisible I’d go to Paris and beat up a performing street mime… The amount of applause he’d get would be amazing!
Question : if you fart at the gym can people wearing headphones still smell it? Asking for a friend
I wonder how many strangers have stories about me.
My brain is giving me the silent treatment
Please drink responsibly this weekend and don`t drink and dri......Wait this is Facebook, most of you probably won`t leave the house! ... Good talk!
I used to be a terrible flirt ... I am much better at it now.
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don`t have mixed tapes anymore?
I`m giving up abbreviations for Lent. Laugh Out Loud
When a woman asks you to guess her age, it`s like deciding whether to cut the blue, red, or green wire to diffuse a bomb.
Some people should calm down, take a deep breath and then hold it for 20 minutes.
None of my coworkers get why I have fishbowl with no fish. It`s because fish can`t survive in my secret reservoir of vodka.
Whenever my wife sings I have to go outside. Not to get away from her, but to prove to my neighbors I`m not beating her.
I`ll CUT you...!!!!!!!!...... A slice of pizza, cause I`m a sharer:)
If stress burned calories, I’d be a super model.