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Maybe I`m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
A person who says they will never lie to you is probably lying already.
Funny how 8 glasses of water a day seems impossible, but 8 beers a day seems so easy
If I go missing this holiday season and there’s a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at the gym.
There is no better sunscreen than sitting inside a bar.
If you want to ruin a song forever use it for your alarm.
Let`s party like there`s no tomorrow and call in sick if there is one.
My walk of shame is when I have to take all the the empty Taco Bell bags out of my car and bring them to the garbage can.
If people in horror movies listened to me, they would still be alive.
May your life someday be as awesome as you pretend it is on Facebook.
There’s nothing like having a long to-do list to make me feel like doing absolutely nothing.
was going to argue with you...but then I remembered I really didn`t care
You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment when you know that you aren’t going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
I usually want to post intelligent and witty comments. But I end up posting stupid and funny ones so my friends can understand them.
Send me one more game request and I`m showing up at your house drunk, at 4am, naked and demanding a game of Twister