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"It`s the little things in life that make you laugh," my mom used to say. I never understood it until I saw two midgets fighting at Walmart.
NEWS FLASH: Man arrested for having sex with a tree.....Police confirm he had wood!!!
I just saved a ton of money on my car insurance! ..By driving away and not leaving a note.
This morning I got in touch with my inner self. And that`s also the last time I`ll buy cheap toilet paper...
I like to think I`m special, because the thought of idiots like me existing in large numbers is f*cking terrifying.
A German boy pushed his brother off a cliff. He then turned to his mother and said "Look Mom! No Hans!"
You heard me right. I said:"Lets agree to disagree." It`s much more polite than:"Whatever, bitch."
I am really thankful that I have a desk job. I could never get all my personal stuff done at home.
I`m glad that we as humans settled on the hand shake as a greeting instead of the whole ass sniffing thing.
I haven`t gotten laid in so long, you`d swear I`ve been wearing Crocs all this time.
Today I sent out a text saying, “Hey, I lost my phone, will you call it?” 12 people called me…I need smarter friends.
Of course women have cleaner minds than men. They change them much more often
If someone farts at a poker tournament, no one will ever know who did it.
You get wasted, swear to much, and your morals are questionable. You`re everything I`m looking for in a friend.
My dance moves are somewhere between “dog being shocked by an electric fence” and “squirrel crossing the road.”