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The best moments in life are the ones you don`t tell anyone about.
The hardest part of being a gentleman is going to all of these gentlemen’s clubs.
Thought for the day: Never hold your farts in. They travel up your spine, into your brain, and that is where sh!tty ideas come from!
Getting back with your ex is like taking a shower and putting back on your dirty underwear.
Why do cops ask us why we think they pulled us over? It`s their job. I dont go to the station and ask why they think I created a powerpoint.
It`s almost Valentines Day and I still don`t know what to get myself yet.
I never sign anything until I pretend to read it first..
I only seem to remember I want to lose weight after eating 6 cookies.
Sometimes I just wish people were as easy to forget as PIN numbers.
"I don`t see color." - A person who shouldn`t eat snow.
I think it’s pretty cool how Chinese people made a language made entirely out of tattoos.
People often say laughter is the best medicine, but they neglect to mention that an overdose can cause one’s ass to fall off.
I don`t blame Monday. I blame Saturday for not matching my Powerball numbers
i like boobs
I suppose cougar is a better term than old whore.