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Easter can be just as much fun as an adult as it was as a child. Just paint and hide beer cans instead of eggs.
If you think you`re bad with words, imagine the first guy to say "There there" when consoling someone
"You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this" -Guy who invented shovels
There’s a wild side to EVERY innocent face.
The Bible is pretty accurate...Especially when thrown at close range.
Dear Graduates: Congratulations on making it through the easiest part of your life!
Pizza: nah, Sex: eh, Drinking: no thanks, It`s so hard thinking of what to give up for Lent...
They`ve got this brand new machine at the gym. I only used it for about an hour because I started to feel sick, but it`s awesome - it`s got Mars Bars, KitKat Chunkys, Cheetos, crisps.... everything!
Sleep is for the people without access to Internet.
When in doubt, procrastinate.
Pro tip for picking up girls - keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
They say 1 in 3 people cheat in a relationship. I`m not sure if its my wife or my girlfriend.
I need a partner in wine.
It`s amazing how tired I get from how little I do.
What idiot called it the "Happy Birthday" song instead of New Age music