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When you wish upon a shooting star, all your dreams will come true. Unless the star is really a meteor about to destroy the earth. Then, you´re pretty much dead no matter what you wish for.
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, "Guess how many fingers."
Everyone has their area of expert knowledge.... if any of you need tips on how to do absolutely nothing amazingly well, let me know.
I should run for political office just to see what kind of scandalous dirt they dig up. It would be nice to piece together my twenties.
If I told you I was a pathological liar, would you believe me?
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone`s food pics and posting the calories.
I can`t wait to procrastinate.
500 + friends... and not one of you saw where I put the remote?
Why doesn’t McDonalds have an order taking microphone on both sides of the car, yet?
If you think your having a bad day ... You could be digging your own grave at gun point and find buried treasure.
I`m at the age where an "all-nighter" just means I didn`t have to get up to pee.
You better not pout, you better not cry, you better not shout I`m telling you why...we have our own problems and nobody cares about yours.
I didn`t mean to offend you, that was just a bonus.
I wish I loved anything as much as rappers love female dogs and gardening tools.
It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs… because they always take things literally