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How to win an argument. 1. Have a vagina. 2. That’s it. 3. You win. 4. Congratulations.
To error is human, to forgive is divine, to keep your damn mouth shut is much appreciated.
The women at this gym act like nobody’s ever tried taking their measurements before.
Never judge a whiskey by its drinker.
Is the CEO of Kraft also known as The Big Cheese?
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
I saw a sign at a cafe that said, "shoes must be worn." I was upset, because my shoes were brand new.
When I text someone and they dont text me back, I automatically assume that they fainted from overexcitement.
When you`re a kid, you hate those moments when there is absolutely nothing to do. As an adult, you live for them.
The filling in this fortune cookie tastes like paper...
The truth might set you free, but lying might keep you out of jail.
For a guy who makes as many bad decisions as I do, I feel like I should be having more fun.
We think therefore we must be, but are we?
Is it too early to start drinking? - some moron with a clock.
How do you expect kids to listen to their parents when Tarzan lives half naked, Cinderella comes home at midnight, Pinocchio lies all the time, Alladin is the king of thieves, Batman drives at 200 mph, Sleeping Beauty is lazy, and Snow White lives with 7 guys. We shouldn’t be surprised when they misbehave, they get it from their storybooks!