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If you make something easier for yourself they call you lazy. If you make something easier for everyone else they call you a genius.
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I`d choke to death swallowing it.
Doctor: How`s your headache? Patient: She`s out of town.
I show my age when I`m in a club with all the 20 somethings.. Guess its because the last dance step I mastered was dancing like Gene Gene The Dancing Machine
"I`ll let you know" = I need more time to come up with an excuse
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
“I don’t know why people dislike jury duty. I think being able to play god with others’ lives sounds fun!” – How I got out of jury duty
It`s a small world, but I wouldn`t want to paint it.
Do you think regular dogs see police dogs and think, “Oh crap! It’s the cops!”?
How can I trust you when you keep running away every time I untie you?
Call me old fashioned but I prefer women with eyebrows made out of hair.
I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.
Screw you, little sticker on fruit!
Trying to be less negative but it`ll never work.
In my defense Your Honor, I thought she had been stung by a jellyfish.