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Maybe early risers just aren’t as awesome at sleeping as I am.
You poor thing. You don`t even realize you`re batsh!t crazy, do you?
Just seen the new Batman shampoo in Costco. I can`t believe they haven`t paired it up with a conditioner Gordon.
I don’t mean to alarm you but you know those people in your office that can’t work the fax machine? They’re driving home on the same roads.
Why does the girl in the Wendy`s commercials have Ronald McDonalds hair?
Exercise would be so much more rewarding if calories screamed while you burn them.
I`m feeling about as useful as a stoplight in Grand Theft Auto.
I really like compliments but I don`t want anyone talking to me...
If you`re not procrastinating just a little, you`re not doing Saturday right.
When I was a kid, I really thought piranhas were going to be pretty much a daily concern.
Alcohol doesn`t make you fat, it makes you lean..........against tables, chairs, walls, and garbage cans.
I have completely mastered the right way to do everything wrong.
Sleep is for people with no internet connection.
Telling me to calm down is the easiest way to get me to tell you to go f*ck yourself.
"I" before "E" except after "Old MacDonald had a farm"