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Hooters should start a home delivery service and call it Knockers.
I bet Waldo’s parents are worried sick.
Wanna know what it`s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
Some of the nicest women you`ll meet on Facebook are men.
I`m living in a drama-free bubble today. Respect the bubble people, respect it!
In my experience, most arguments are caused by a misunderstanding of the fact that I’m right.
If the Internet was never invented... what would we all be doing now?
Someone told me once that to have more confidence during sex, put in a live concert album while doing it. That way, you will hear applause every 3-4 minutes but I did it wrong. Accidentally put in a live concert album and all I heard was laughter!
I think it`s about time Taylor Swift wrote a song called "Maybe I`m the Problem"
That Awkward Moment when you’re being sarcastic and someone believes you.
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
Just took the batteries out of my smoke detector to use in my TV remote control. Dont judge me .. It´s Sunday.
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
I see dead people. Well technically they`re stupid people, but give me a few minutes
Isn’t it funny how people that talk too much also have annoying voices?