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What happens in Vegas never happens to me.
Huge spoiler here ... Did you know Dave is actually NOT the real father of Alvin, Simon, and Theodore.
Is a roasted peanut like a regular peanut that was made fun of by celebrity peanuts?
"No I don’t need any help. I know more about booze than you do" - Me to the liquor store clerk
We all have that funny voice we use when talking to dogs, babies... and idiots!
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though.
I remember, once upon a time... for about 2 seconds... about 13 years ago... I almost gave a damn.
The sight of naked cleavage reduces a man`s ability to reason by 50% ... Per boob.
That very akward moment when Shakirah`s hips lie!
I hate it when people pour my cereal. They don`t know how much I want. They don`t know my life. They don`t know what I`ve been through.
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming.
Agreeing to disagree is lame. Let’s agree to take turns slapping each other until one of us admits we were wrong.
Women who tell me I have commitment issues have never seen me with a large pizza.
I`m just 1 nap, 8 beers, 2 orgasms and my own personal robot away from this being the best day ever.