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I just can`t help it ... Sarcastic bitch is built-in.
Quiet people have the loudest minds.
My mom always said that I`d never find a man dumb enough to marry me. Well, I showed her...
Roughly 82% of my day is trying to decide what my next meal will be
If you replace the "W" in "where" "what" and "when" with "T" you get answers to the questions.
It`s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen - sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
My anaconda really doesn`t care if you got buns or not.
It’s amazing how long you can hold your farts at the beginning of a relationship.
I`m like the toughest guy in this comic book store.
I just got a piece of mail that says "open immediately" but I`m gonna wait a few minutes.
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick.....Till you`re standing outside watching your house burn.
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying "the economy" a lot.
Laughing at your mistakes can lengthen your life. Laughing at your wife’s can shorten it