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My kids keep bugging me about dinner even after I told them I already ate...
Forget beauty sleep. I want skinny sleep.
Maybe the reason Uncle Phil hated Will was because the first thing Will gave him was a $3700 cab ride bill from Philly to Bel-Air.
How many calories does swearing like a motherf*cker burn?
I´m playing that game where the floor is made of lava, so I obviously can´t get off the couch or I´ll die.
I took a poll recently, and 100% of strippers were angry they had nothing to dance on.
My GPS is basically just one more woman in my life who I turn on and then ignore.
I drink because people talk.
Your so lazy you should have a Life Alert bracelet that says I`m Just Napping.
Heard Justin Bieber got arrested for drag racing. Sure it`s dangerous, but surely it isn`t against the law to run in high heels...
People who go rock climbing: you know you don`t have to, right
Don’t expect a “bless you” after the 4th sneeze…get your self together
They don`t say "Get down Mr. President" anymore. Now they just shout, "Donald Duck!"
If you love someone, set them free. If they don’t come back, text them when you’re drunk.
A roman walks into a bar. He holds up two fingers and says "Five beers please."