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Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior. Me: Can I have another? I`d like to bring a guest.
Well today I turned 26, not because I wanted to, but only because Facebook limits how many times you can actually change your birth year !
The more I drink, the more I realize how much more I still want to drink.
You can look at some people and instantly know they’re only going to get two awards in life, a birth and a death certificate.
Does anyone have the recipe for ice cubes? Asking for a friend.
Got a little too much sun today. I knew I should have closed the blinds.
Pro tip: Don`t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
My wife told me her favourite position is when i lay very very still for a few hours........late at night....until the alarm clock goes off in the morning.
I’m not fat... my stomach is 3D.
I love bacon because I can wrap it around everything. Essentially, it`s the duct tape of food.
Agreeing to disagree is lame. Let’s agree to take turns slapping each other until one of us admits we were wrong.
I see you`ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I wish I could get excited as a redneck drinking cheap beer and watching cars go around in circles for hours.
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
I start every morning with a simple affirmation: I will not murder anyone today.