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If your Facebook post requires me to hit “continue…” get a diary.
Life lesson: you never have to feel ashamed of anything you buy as long as you buy a birthday card at the same time
I stamp my hand on Saturday morning so it looks like I went out on Friday night.
I am, have to avoid the leg cramps during sex, years old.
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
That awkward moment when you tell your parents something funny, but it turns into a life lesson.
I think it’s funny when dogs hide under the bed when they’re scared. I’m like “you idiot, that’s the first place monsters go!”
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked ... But, so does Tequila
I would go for a jog today, but it looks like all of these cupcakes expire today as well.
If I`m carrying a torch for you it`s only because I want to set you on fire.
Have you ever listened to somebody speak and wonder who ties their shoelaces for them?
The Best Excuse given by a Lady for Missing Work ! "My husband took an overdose of Viagra.....Couldn`t leave him alone with the Maid"
my husband of 10 years still goes mad when I use his toothbrush, if anyone knows a better way to get dog poo off shoes, im all ears
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That`ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
You must be a parking ticket or something for the word FINE is written all over you.