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St. Patricks day is the only time you can ask somebody in public,"Do you want some green" without you looking suspect.
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah`s witnesses of the internet.
Sticks and stones may break your bones. Also good: lead pipes.
The only problem with using the treadmill is that you can`t run from your own farts.
Lady`s if you want guys to look at your face instead of your chest ... eat a banana.
Just because leggings stretch dont mean yo 465 pound a$$ should be in them!
The synonym for `reality` is `offline`
Huh, So you are telling me that these straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress? And not for what I`ve been using them for all this time?
I`m going to start tackling random guys in football jerseys saying "look how he`s dressed. He was asking for it!"
I lost 3 pounds over the weekend, but not to worry I found them lastnight at pizza hut
Whenever I fill out a job application with a box for "Race," I add a question mark and then write, "Anytime. Anywhere."
The bouncer from my local nightclub calls me Macauley Culkin because I always go home alone.
I bought 2 fish and named one, “one” and the other “two”, so when “one” dies I will still have “two”.
I`m a little Stressed right now ... Just turn around and leave quietly and no one gets hurt.
When I was a kid, there was no Internet. Sometimes people would walk for miles to call me a bastard.