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My girlfriend thinks I`m a stalker. ..well, she`s not exactly my girlfriend yet..
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior. Me: Can I have another? I`d like to bring a guest.
I like the part of the day when food happens.
Roses are red, dead ones are black, why is your chest as flat as your back?
I solve my problems by blatantly ignoring them and going on the internet.
The bed is always the comfiest right at the time you are supposed to be getting out of it
Guys you should never overreact when you hear the words, " The babysitter is late."
Flu (noun) - The only time when having used tissues laying next to your bed is socially acceptable.
Saw a bug crawling on my arm and my reaction can only be described as “grabbing for swirling dollars inside a plexiglas Cash Cube.”
I`ve never gone to bed with an ugly woman. Woken up to a whole bunch of them though.
Marriage. The world`s oldest form of identity theft.
Understanding women number 476,395: Women like to talk about their feelings.
I burned my mouth on my pizza and I feel this is a strong metaphor showing me that the ones we love can hurt us the most.
So I wanted to publicly apologize for not doing the ice bucket challenge for everyone that nominated me. I don`t give money to charity, unless she is on stage B at 11:30.
I am a gentleman, based on the clubs I go to.