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I knew you were coming so I baked a cake ... It was delicious.
People treat New Year’s like some sort of life changing event. If your life sucks today, it’s probably still going to suck tomorrow
I f*cking hate you. Hope that clears things up.
"Who`s this clown?" - every guy about every other guy who is in a photo with a girl we like
Sorry, I can’t today. My sister’s friend’s mother’s grandfather’s brother’s grandson’s uncle’s fish died, and yes, it was tragic.
In my defense, I was left un-supervised...
Where 5 minutes becomes 5 hours. Facebook.
Can we all just agree to start spelling it "Wensday"?
Wanna come over for pizza and sex? I`m just kidding ... there`s no pizza.
I hear boomerangs are making a comeback.
Look in the mirror and tell me that God does not have a sense of humor.
You are living proof that the Lord is testing me.
Just once, I`d like to clock out from work by sliding down a dinosaur.
Hey ladies! Great news! Those low riding, butt crack, hip hugger jeans are coming back in style!
It’s the most wonderful time of the year… to be slowly driven insane by Christmas music.