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Life rarely hands me anything. Am I in the wrong line?
To the squirrel carrying the mushroom up a tree to his nest: you may want to eat that with your feet firmly on the ground, buddy.
I have never been guilty of taking the smaller pizza slice.
Roses are red. Violets are blue. Faces like yours belong in the zoo. Don’t be mad, I’ll be there too. Not in the cage but laughing at you.
Did you know: Your life expectancy decreases every time you ... PISS ME OFF
A married man has 2 options in an argument...he can be right or he can be happy
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex. I know I`m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
How can there be more horses asses than there are horses?
I`ve got big plans for the weekend. If things go well, come Monday morning I`m gonna need a chiropractor, a psychiatrist, a priest and bail money.
“My phone’s about to die.” is what I say 30 seconds into every phone call. Just in case!
I’ve found the best way to learn your co-workers’ names is by eating their food in the office fridge
have you ever looked at someone and thought, "yeah you definitely have someone locked away in your basement."
Nothing`s more embarrassing than that pantsless walk to get more toilet paper. I felt like everyone in CVS was staring at me.
What kind of downward spiral would cause a person to "like" cream cheese on Facebook?
I`m gonna just take a quick nap before I go to bed.