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Being a fat guy at McDonald`s is like being the muscle guy at the gym. People stay out of your way cause they know you mean business
The speed in which a woman says “nothing” when asked “what’s wrong” is inversely proportional to the severity of the sh!tstorm that’s coming.
I have this talent of getting tired without doing nothing.
I don`t like country music, but I don`t mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country music, denigrate means `put down`.
Sometimes Google should just come back with an answer that says, `Trust me, you don`t want to know.`
Been there, done that. allegedly
I`ll never be to old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
Do you ever wake up and kiss someone next to you and appreciate being alive? I did this and was chased out of the bus
When I hear someone say they hear voices in their head, I wonder if they’re just thinking for the first time.
Size does matter ... When ordering a pizza
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
Just because I`m nodding my head at appropriate times while you`re talking doesn`t mean I give a sh!t about what you`re saying..
I’m so happy people can’t hear what I’m thinking.
Ain`t no sandwich when she`s gone.
I’m usually that person who has no idea what’s going on.