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Fish must be excellent drivers. Very rarely do you hear about fish getting into car accidents.
I have done some truly amazing things to get the last bit of toothpaste out of the tube.
I`m confused as to whether I`m supposed to leap or hump today.
It’s not you. It’s me finally realizing that you’re terrible.
Wouldn`t it be ironical to die in a living room?
Tequila... It`s not just for breakfast anymore...
My fitness goal is just to get down to the weight that I lied about on my drivers license.
People who actually rate porn videos are the unsung heroes of our generation.
It would serve me better if they put shopping carts in the middle of the store where my pride realizes I have too much shit to carry.
I should go to sleep but the Internet needs me.
Getting old sucks. I use to wake up feeling like a million bucks. Now I feel more like a bounced check.
You know it`s been a good night when you wake up and see bite marks on the walls...
Back in my day it was called daydreaming…not ADHD.
What did I get for Christmas? Fat...
They said money can`t by happiness. But it can buy tattoos, car parts, and beer. What else could we need?