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OK. Who decided to call it "possession of marijuana" and not "joint custody"?
There are many different ways one can save energy, but my favorite by far is this recliner.
If you surround yourself with people funny enough to make you laugh till your abs hurt, you’ll never have to work out!
The key to any successful marriage is separate TVs.
likes to end all my phone calls with "Ok, I`ll see you later on at the party!" and then quickly hang up. Let them figure it out.
"I wish people would start doing ice bucket challenges again" - said no one ever!
Will you go with me to my therapist tomorrow? He thinks I`m making you up.
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says "We need to talk".
How to cuss a kid out... "Shut the fudge up you little astronaut! You son of a batch of cookies! What the helicopters are you doing?!"
Curious that it`s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
I hate it when I gain 20 pounds for a role and then realize I`m not an actor.
Sometimes I feel like a semicolon. I don`t know where I belong.
I thought I cracked this "adulthood" till I realised my shirt was on inside out !!!!!
I`ve been texting so much lately that I move my thumbs from side to side when I`m actually talking to someone.
The best thing about my phone screen shattering is that it now matches my dreams and aspirations.