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Live today like it`s your last!! But pay your bills and use a condom just in case it isn`t.
im like the government: i spend money on things that aren`t important, and spend most of my time trying to explain to people why i need them.
Had to talk with my son about masturbation today...I explained that it is natural, and he should probably knock before he comes into my room from now on.
I always get a nice safe feeling whenever I see a police car and I realize I`m not driving around with a trunkful of cocaine.
Never make decisions when you are angry....or horny.
Are headaches the result of time spent with woman or is it purely a coincidence?
You don’t have to be naked to have a good time, but it helps.
Be wary of someone who calls all their exes crazy. They`re probably the reason.
Statistically, I`ve come to the conclusion that I`m going to hell in multiple religions.
I`m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
Most people don’t act stupid – it’s the real thing.
I never run with scissors. (those last two words were unnecessary.)
If you were a cookie, you’d be a whoreo.
I dream of a day when a mysterious hand will pop out of the screen and b!tch-slap you silly each time you post a boring or stupid status.
If you have time to update your status as "very busy", then you obviously exaggerated.