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Snoring is just God`s way of ensuring women hate their husbands while they sleep too.
I`m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It`s really come in handy this parallelogram season.
I consider my body less of a temple and more of a ruin.
Computer froze? Just press all the keys.
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips...
If no one from the future comes back to stop you, is it really that bad of an idea?
You know what bothers me? When people assume you`re homeless cause you`re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
Was at an Apple store today when I let out a really loud fart. Boy, the employee`s were so mad. Hey, Not my fault they don`t have windows!
If thought bubbles appeared over our heads, I would get punched in the face a lot more.
You can run from your problems. Unless your problem is a cheetah.
I`m going to stand outside, so if anyone asks I am outstanding.
Pregreening - creeping forward while waiting for a red light to change.
Autocorrect changed "you`re so wise" to "you`re so wide", and now I need to find a good hiding spot before my wife comes home.
My problem has always been a Constipated Brain and my mouth has the Runs.......
You find it offensive? ... I find it funny ... That`s why I`m happier than you.