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I`m amazed at how much better my life has been since the iOS 7 update. I bet it would be even better if I owned an iPhone.
I`m not saying I`m lazy, but someone wrote "wash me" on my car so I just wrote back "nah"
If I could turn invisible I’d go to Paris and beat up a performing street mime… The amount of applause he’d get would be amazing!
I wish common sense was more common.
Things I didn`t learn in high school... how to pay bills buy a house apply for college but thank goodness I can graph a polynomial function.
Why do they call a grapefruit a grapefruit? I mean there is already a fruit called a grape!!
I`m the kind of crazy you weren`t warned about because no one knew this level existed.
Facebook is serious. I put more thought into whether or not to accept a friend request than whether or not to sleep with someone.
Best of luck explaining why you’re still single at Thanksgiving and Charles Manson isn’t.
This morning, I was beaten up by a busty woman in an elevator. I was staring at her boobs when she said, “Would you please press 1?” So I did. I don’t remember much afterwards.
If you can´t read this, you´re illiterate.
Do you ever wake up and kiss someone next to you and appreciate being alive? I did this and was chased out of the bus
Being clean and sober means i’ve showered and am heading to the liquor store.
I just discovered my oven CAN CLEAN ITSELF! Naturally I will be searching my apartment looking for similar buttons.
If you surround your house in police tape, the odds of you being robbed drops dramatically.