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Just dropped part of a cookie into my printer, so I hit "copy"
For your anniversary, if your wife asks for something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in 3 seconds...don`t get her a bathroom scale. Just sayin"
Who let the owls out?? Don`t sing the chorus you`ll make it worse.
I’m drinking like there’s snow tomorrow.
Bending over ... preparing to do my taxes.
My Boss requested me on facebook. I was like "pssst". If only he knew all the sh*t I post about his ugly @$$.
Today is national bring your flask to work day. I just made it up. Tell the others...
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
It should be socially acceptable to end any boring conversation by shouting "UNSUBSCRIBE!"
Wearing my pajamas to Walmart. I don`t want to attract any attention.
Wait, carjacking doesn`t mean masturbating in my vehicle? Then no, I didn`t get arrested for carjacking.
I love asking kids what they want to be when they grow because I`m still looking for ideas
I love sleeping, but I never want to go to bed early.
I`m starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
Before I stalk someone, I follow them around for a while...Cause you know, what if they`re not worth it?