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Doctor: How`s your headache? Patient: She`s out of town.
Thank you for informing me that you have a stick figure family of 6 and a dog. Your minivan had me under the impression that you were wild and single.
I`m having a problem in Call Of Duty, I go to the menu and... ok by now the girls have stopped reading this, anyone know any good porn sites?
Talk to me long enough and you`ll realize why I`m single.
I’ve realized I get ridiculously nervous driving behind semi’s or trucks carrying sh!t that could fall out and impale me all because of final destination 2.
If someone says you`re not a mermaid, don`t talk to them. You don`t need that kind of negativity in your life.
Mark my words: In a year, the leading cause of death will be “Beaten to death with a selfie stick”
You’d be more impressed with me if you never met anyone else.
I remember 2012 like it was yesterday.
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there`s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
Sobriety is an illusion created by alcohol deficiency.
You know you are getting old when a bunch of annoying teenagers get murdered in a horror movie and you relate more with the killer.
Thought I was having deja-vu. But it turns out, I do the exact same things every day.
I`m trying to lose weight by eating carrots and bran muffins. It`s a fiber-optics diet.
I`m ABSOLUTELY positive I`d accidentally kill myself within 3 minutes of owning a light saber.