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My favorite coffee in the morning is the one where no one talks to me while I drink it.
Calling credit cards "a convenient alternative to cash" is like calling crystal meth a "diet substitute".
When people said they sleep like a baby, it`s because they do not have one.
Who knew rock bottom was so crowded?
Now I lay me down to sleep, a bottle of vodka at my feet, if I should die before I wake, tell my friends I drank it straight.
Just rescued a Coca Cola that was trapped in the fridge!
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would`ve been if he`d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
If a woman repeats what you just said in the form of a question, you`ll be dead soon.
I think my credit card looks weird. Could you send me a picture of yours so I can compare?
No matter what you do on the computer you always end up on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram or Youtube.
Iām convinced that the employees of McDonalds were just customers who could pay and are working off their bills.
If I ever had to run for my life, I would probably die.
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy. Unless your wife finds out.
Work is one long game of back and forth emails with cleverly disguised f*ck you`s.
Onion rings are vegetables. And the Large size counts as two servings.