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So exhausting to have my life changed for the better every time someone posts a screenshot of a famous quote.
Everyone around me keeps telling me I`m mean ... Which is absurd ... Plus, they`re ugly.
I’m cutting the sleeves off my Snuggie because it makes me look more badass.
If you’ve ever used Urban Dictionary to compose or decipher a text, congratulations, you`re over 40.
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they`d never get caught.
Nice try Jehovah’s Witnesses but dressing up like cops and telling me you have a warrant is not going to get me to open my door.
I did responsible things all day so tonight will consist of nothing that even resembles responsibility.
I should probably eat this entire bag of Oreos tonight since they`re going to expire in 2017.
I need a vacation ... or this fifth of Jack -Me at the liqiour store
When a cop asks you, "Do you know why I pulled you over?" It is never a good idea to respond, "Because my tires look like donuts?"
The NFL has hired their first female referee ... She will be throwing flags for penalties the teams committed 5 years ago.
First thing I do in the morning: Look at the clock and hope I have more time to sleep.
Why are there no owls here? I Was lead to believe there would by owls here. #hooters
My mind is telling me nooo... But my body... My body`s telling me yesss...BABY. Cashier: Sir...would you like fries with that or not?
Friends that are with you during your darkest times probably didn’t pay their electric bill either.