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You gotta hand it to blind prostitutes.
Before I got married I didn`t even know there was a wrong way to put the milk back in the fridge
My hatred for Nicki Minaj probably stems from my fear of clowns.
Instructions for having an adventure: 1. Stand outside restaurant. 2. Wait for someone to ask if you`re the valet. 3. Say yes.
People should seriously stop expecting normal from me...We all know it`s never gonna happen
If I had a dollar for everytime I was distracted, look squirrel!
Oh, you have a brand new boyfriend? Please tell me more about how you think he`s `the one`.
It`s time to wave goodbye to winter. Guess what finger I`ll be using?
My doctor said I’m healthy enough for sex, just not attractive enough.
Next time some one does something REALLY stupid, just smack them and say, "Man, did you see the size of that bug?"
That mind-blowing moment when you realize chores were really the crap your parents didn’t want to do.
I don`t get nearly enough credit for managing not to be a violent psychopath
Some people wonder why I never like or comment on their posts. It’s because I unfollowed you a long time ago.
I`m sorry. . . I didn`t mean to stare. . . it`s just that I have never seen stupid of this magnitude up close before
People say that I have no idea what hard work is. That`s not true! I know exactly what it is... How do you think I avoid it so easily?