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I hate how homeless people shake their coin cups at me. I get it. No need to gloat that they have more money than me.
If you really loved your kids, you would teach them to say their alphabet forwards AND backwards. They`ll thank you later.
LIKE IF you… walk into a room, forget what you need, walk out, and then remember.
Put on my workout clothes before going to the donut store just to give the impression I earned this.
Don`t put off until tomorrow what you can avoid the rest of your life.
There`s a lot of perks being a single parent, for one no witnesses.
bored out of my mind in class i began staring into space... space happened to be right in front of me at the time...
I wonder whether I can trust doctors with dead plants in the waiting room.
I haven`t talked to my wife in three weeks. I didn`t want to interrupt her.
I checked into a hotel this weekend. I told the girl I hoped the porn channel was disabled. She said "No, its just regular porn, you sicko"
I just kicked a can in my driveway and somehow ended up with a goal against Brazil.
It`s not stalking if you love them!
Duct tape can`t fix stupid, but it can muffle the sound.
How long does it take to get obsessed?
Tarantulas are like cigarettes. They are pretty much harmless, until you put them in your mouth and light them on fire.