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I wish I had a dollar for every time I didn`t have a dollar.
The only thing I`m really learning from this 401K meeting at work this morning is that I`ll probably never be able to retire.
My favorite part of the day? The food part.
There may be no excuse for laziness, but I’m still looking.
Last night we were in bed and I asked my wife "What would you like to do to my body more than anything else?" She said "Identify it."
Turning on your lights and siren after you lose a drag race is just poor sportsmanship.
Inspirational status of the day: Don`t be a douche.
Don`t judge me just because I sin differently from you.
lifes a laugh, start living it!
Insanity does not run in my family. It strolls through, taking it`s time and getting to know each one of us personally.
People who sit and talk while their pizza is gets cold gives me anxiety.
Know what? If they had Neosporin back in 1931, that nasty scar on Frankenstein`s forehead would have been far less noticeable.
You know that old saying? If you seen one woman naked. You want to see all women naked.
The voices in my head are not real, but they have good ideas.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.