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"I have almost $67 in the bank!" sounded a lot more impressive when I was 12.
I like to sit outside on campus at night in my 1940s clothes and when people say things to me, I say "You can see me?"
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
When pornstars get up to speak in front of a large group, do they picture people with their clothes on?
It is hard to imagine how people showed their anger before doors were invented.
If you`re a vegan an atheist and a liberal, how do you choose which way to annoy people at Thanksgiving first?
I f*cking hate you. Hope that clears things up.
I hate when I spend the extra money to buy organic vegetables only to get home and find out that I bought regular donuts.
If anybody asks, I was on Facebook all night tonight, okay? Thanks for having my back, everyone.
So I`m giving up drinking. Hard liquor. On Wednesdays. In June. Next year. (Maybe.)
Not sure yet why this cookie dough has baking instructions on the package.
I hear there is scientific proof that birthdays are good for you... the more you have the longer you live.
Behind every good selfie is approximately 47 nearly identical pictures that didn’t make the cut.
Don`t be sad if you didn`t get a Valentine`s Day gift, lt`s not the end of the world. That`s still ten months away.
I am woman, hear me say the opposite of what I mean in that tone that means you`d better do what I meant and not what I said.