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Remember that there’s always someone cooler, smarter, stronger or prettier than you. That would be me.
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
After much thought and careful consideration, I`ve decided not to do a damn thing today.
Be thankful your GPS doesn`t get PMS: “Fine! Turn whichever way you want! You never listen to me anyway!”
When things get to stressful I hit the jim.......... Beam.
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat And then I realized that he can`t even afford a washer or a dryer
Let`s be honest. The only reason you listen to your voice-mail messages is to make the stupid icon disappear
Facebook account for sale, Friends included...
Instead of laughing my a$$ off, I`m going to start laughing my stomach off. I`d rather lose that.
Relationship status: Private. The only way for it to be.
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying "get a load of this guy" every time someone walked in
Life is about perspective like the sinking of the Titanic was a miracle for the lobsters in the ships kitchen
Whenever I hear someone say “STOP” my brain says “Hammer Time”
Marry someone who can cook. Love fades, hunger doesn`t.
Throw a stranger a surprise party by putting confetti inside their closed umbrella when they’re not looking!