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Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
Basically the way it works is I tell myself I`m not going to eat too much and then I eat too much.
It`s never too late to follow your dreams. Unless your dream is to be a child actor, in which case yes, it`s too late.
A good example of mixed emotions would be finding a hundred dollar bill nailed to your tire.
why me is me ?
You make your own luck`.. a saying most popular with lucky f*ckers
The only thing worse than having it rain after you wash your car is have to poop as soon as you get out of the shower.
I`m not the cat lady type. I`m more like an actual cat. I want affection when I want it and on my terms. The rest of the time I want to claw out your eyes and piss in your shoe.
I`ve reached the age where happy hour is a nap.
I have to stop saying "How stupid can you be?" I think people are taking it as a challenge.
Before bed, my Dad would always say, "OK son, time to hit the sack." Not sure how me punching him in the balls helped him sleep, but hey, that’s my Dad for ya.
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
I’m not positive that having the TV volume on an odd number will destroy the world, but lets not risk it.
i like boobs
I hate fake people...especially the ones at the mall advertising clothes in front of the stores