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The problem with the rest of the world is that they are always 5 drinks behind.
Don`t exercise ... fat people are harder to kidnap
I know the voices aren`t real but they have some great ideas.
Why is it when people ask you "what three things would you bring with you on a deserted island?" , no one ever replies, "A BOAT"
Life is Hard; it’s harder if you’re stupid.
Abbreviation is an unnecessarily long word.
I was watching craps at the casino all night until security finally dragged me out of the bathroom.
The only time I`ve ever early to anything is when I`m dropping my kids off to be watched by somebody else.
Dating these days must be so hard, because how do you know somebody loves you if they don’t make you a mix tape?
I wish Monday was a figment of my imagination.
I could be a morning person....if morning happened around noon.
You can always tell a lot about a woman the way she pours gasoline around your car.
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like "Ugh, tourists".
I`m using voice-to-text to post this status. All I do is talk and it makes a text out of it. It`s really cool... Hey! What are you doing? That`s my phone! Give it back! Come back here, you son of a...
At this point I`m just waiting for summer to be cancelled completely.