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Do you ever think that if it weren`t for someone smoking Marijuana they might of killed you already. . .
One day when I was at the beach there was a guy in the ocean yelling, "Shark! Help!" And I just laughed. I knew that shark wasn`t going to help him.
You know what’s funnier than watching someone trip and fall? Absolutely nothing!
Things I use duct tape for, by percentage: Pranks: 35% Car repair: 35% Wrapping presents: 20% Medical emergencies: 10% Ducts: 0%
That weird feeling when you wake up from a nap & you don`t whether it`s am or pm or what day, month, or year it is.
I’m great at remembering names. I just don’t remember which one’s yours.
The only thing worse than "the one that got away" is the one that won`t go away.
If I ever get real rich, I hope I`m not mean to poor people, like I am now.
If I hit snooze 3 times it should automatically send an email to my boss saying I`ll be out sick.
Shout out to old people for graduating high school without Google.
I’m drinking because you’re talking.
Alcohol doesn’t make you fat… it makes you Lean… on tables, chairs & random ugly people.
okay it was me..... I did it ..... I let the dogs out
They say you`ve got to spend money to make money. Feel like there`s some middle step I`ve been missing?
Whoever said "What goes around, comes around", never passed around a bag of Doritos......................