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is actually feeling pretty much okay about not accomplishing anything this year.
I love you all so much right now because, well, alcohol.
Oops is farting in the elevator and thinking it would be silent.
Calling your girlfriend by her Moms name during a fight is a great way to escalate the situation.
Updating my status in the car. Don’t worry, I’m in the passenger seat. Which makes it harder to drive, but fools the cops.
Sign outside a Drug Rehab Centre: "Keep off the Grass!"
I go into Best Buy and ask "Where are your most expensive yet least guarded items?" Then someone is always nearby when I have questions.
My credit score is just a picture of me crying in the front yard of a nice house.
It`s my birthday. I’m not just a year older, I’m also a year better and prettier ... I know your jealous ;)
Over 500 channels and not a DAMN THING to watch! I suppose I should subscribe to some of them...
My opinion of yoga pants varies depending on if I`m at the gym or if I`m at Walmart
Don’t judge me for things I did a few seconds ago, I’ve changed since then.
The correct answer to "How are you?" is "Fine." If you ever stray from that dialogue, please know that nobody gives a sh!t.
Arguing with people in the comments section is like crack for me. I don`t do it.
I could actually watch golf on TV if Land Mines were involved.