Daily Silly Status

For your anniversary, if your wife asks for something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in 3 seconds...don`t get her a bathroom scale. Just sayin"

My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I`m the race car, sometimes I`m the iron. But usually I`m a peanut because I`ve lost all the game pieces.

Thanks to the State Farm commercial now I want a Falcon.

I relate to Game of Thrones because much like my own life, I have no idea what’s going on and there’s a lot of wine drinking.

Got interrupted downloading the new version of iTunes by a pop up that asked if I wanted to download the even newer version of iTunes.

My earthquake kit is just a tuxedo, because in case of a disaster, I want to look like the most important person to save.

To the untrained eye, I`m quite handsome.

Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.

I’m not shy, I’m just really good out figuring out who is not worth talking to.

I have reliable inside information about Apple`s next product. I will not be able to afford it.

F*ck spiders. F*ck them and the way they move their legs, f*ck their ability to multiply by the million and f*ck their eight, beady little black eyes that offer unblinking, soulless glimpses of the blackest depths of hell itself.

I don’t drink water, unless it’s been through a brewery first.

I`ll see your fun outdoor activity and raise you a nap.

I`ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.

Celery is 95% water and 100% not pizza.