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I spend most of my money on beer and cigarettes.. The rest I just waste.
"I`d hit that" -old people who drive
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone`s food pics and posting the calories.
Ferris Bueller did more in one day than I did last year.
I saw a midget carrying a tv to his car today. I said "hey, would you like some help with that plasma?" He said "f*ck off asshole, it`s an IPad!"
Yoga pants are just push up bras for your butt.
My buddy asked me the other night if he could crash on my couch. I had to explain to him that I`m married now and that`s where I sleep.
I`m drinking like there`s snow tomorrow.
Kicking a man while he’s down burns 150 calories.
How many people actually tell everyone that you said Hi.
It`s so frustrating when your hitman doesn`t answer the phone after you`ve made amends with someone
have you ever noticed `lol` looks like a drowning person?
I`ll never forget the first time we met. Although, I will keep trying.
If your bf/gf tries to start a fight with you just say, "Please. Not during Toyotathon."