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I had hopes and dreams. Now I have vodka and the internet.
Sticks and stones may break your bones. Also good: lead pipes.
If you ever Google "Grandfather Clock", be careful how you spell that sh!t.
Urgh..I just dropped my phone, are you guys alright?
Texting totally changes your perception of how long stoplights are.
Whenever our neighbor`s dog is barking, I know there`s either someone at their door or literally anything else in the universe has happened.
If I drunk text you and you`re sleeping, don`t text me in the morning. That ship has sailed.
Never trust a married guys opinion of who`s hot. It`s like asking a starving guy what food tastes good.
I just bought Velcro shoes.... What a rip off!
Marriage: an expensive way to get your laundry done for free..
I"m not saying that I am batman, i`m just saying no one has ever seen me and batman in a room together
According to my nipples, there is a 99% chance it`s cold as hell right now!
Why isn’t the default for online shopping “view all”? Who likes to skip through 20 pages of only 12 items…
You know you had an interesting day when your Google search history includes "rubber panda".
Best part of living alone...clothing optional ;)