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“Wow! My political opinion just changed because of what you posted on Facebook” – said no one ever.
I swear, if my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party.
People are so ungrateful. No one ever thanks me for having the patience not to kill them.
Every time I go into my boss` office she tells me "take a seat". I have 14 now.
I don’t mind going to work. It’s that eight-hour wait to go home that bugs me.
The tragedy of Scooby-Doo is that whoever kept supplying criminals with such realistic prosthetic masks was never caught.
Lets not kid ourselves, if the zombie apocalypse broke out, there are a couple people we would swear were zombies so we could shoot them
Why do they call a status a status if it already happened? I mean, shouldnt it be called History?
3 Things you need to know: Yes I Have. Yes I Can. Yes I will.
When someone is murdered, they always investigate the spouse 1st. And that pretty much tells you everything you need to know about marriage.
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
If da Vinci were alive today, the "Mona Lisa" would have been called "IMG-20121020-00463.jpg"
Apparently, the average person looks at their phone 150 times a day. Not me. I look at it just once. For about 12 hours.
Calories? I think you mean delicious points!
I`ve finally stopped drinking for good ... And I`ve started drinking for evil.