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I wish, just once, I could actually hit the pedestrian crossing the road slow with the "what`re gonna do, hit me" look on their face.
Lazy is a very strong word, I like to call it “selective participation.”
I`m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
Marriage counselling: Because sometimes your wife needs to hear from a professional that she`s being a bitch.
’twas the night before Christmas and all through the house, everyone was screaming ... cuz I went into the wrong house.
My worst ideas have all either started or ended with having no pants on.
If you want to give me dirty looks for being at the liquor store at 9am, don`t be open.
I was wondering why my doctor gave me LSD for my constipation, then I saw a dragon and crapped myself.
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
Nintendo should handle education, I don’t remember half the crap from high school but I know all of Super Mario World’s secrets.
Hate it when I feel my phone vibrate in my pocket and it’s not even in there.
Dear Ninja Turtles, Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one`s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
Our kids biggest challenge will be to find a username that`s not already taken.
Facebook is great, but I still miss the good old days of writing down my random thoughts and sliding them into stranger`s pockets.
My 5 year plan is to watch Netflix. All of it.