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you know....I must be drop dead sexy because....cashiers are always checking me out….
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is, intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
Procrastination comes to those who wait.
Why do bras and batteries come in the same sizes?
Think about the nicest thing anyone`s ever said about you. Not really true, right?
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount...
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he`ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
Is it just me, or does this gravy I made taste like scotch? Anyway, best Thanksgiving EVER!
Nobody notices your pain, your happiness, your sadness, your state of mind. But everyone notices it when you fart in public
If anyone is looking for an unlicensed helicopter pilot give me a call. . .
i like cake. and thats all for today goodbye :)
been there, done that, wrote the book and have the t-shirt to prove it. What more do you want!
There’s a police helicopter above my house right now, so I’m cashing in and calling everyone who has ever said “when pigs fly.”
They`re teaching kids that abstinence is 100% more effective in preventing pregnancy than birth control, try telling that one to Jesus`s mother!
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.