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You know why you like me ... Cause your f*ckin crazy too!!!
You drink too much, swear too much and your morals are questionable. You’re everything I’ve ever wanted in a friend.
some people just need to be kicked... in the stomach... with steel toed boots
Me:"I had a dream about you." Girlfriend:"Awwwwww." Me:"Yeah, you died."
This empty wallet looks like I`ll be laughing obnoxiously at some guy`s awful jokes in a bar tonight.
What idiot called it Adderall instead of Accomplish Mints?
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
How are poor people so good at finding money for tattoos?
I hate it when my kid starts crying in the middle of the night and I have to get up to close the bedroom door.
Wife says to her husband, "You wanna change positions tonight?" He says, "Yeah!" she says, "OK, you do the dishes and I will sit on the couch and fart."
I guess today has been pretty good. I haven`t had to slap one single person yet....
If you`ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven... then you`ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
facebooked yo mama!!!
I dont even bother filling out the "From" field on gift tags during xmas. One look at the wrap job, and its VERY obvious.
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..