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The best thing about not being with you, is not being with you.
Sh!t`s spiraling out of control and I`m all like "wheeeee."
I put my head between my legs and lean forward.....thats how I roll
Funerals are so depressing, when I die I want to be fed to a shark or something cool.
I can’t even imagine the self control required to work at a bubble wrap factory.
If by self-help you mean helping myself to all the liquor in your cabinet... Then yeah... I`m about as self-helpful as they come.
Since It`s summer here`s a little advice, best way to beat the heat is to wear a San Antonio Spurs jersey
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you`re interested by repeatedly asking "why doesn`t our lawn ever look that nice?"
Four words that I never want to hear: There is no food.
Don`t be upset that you`re single; be happy that someone isn`t ruining your life.
I wish that just once, the clerk would just put the Monopoly money in the drawer and hand me a receipt
Its better to have loved and lost, then stay with that psyco for one more sec
I just made my first snow angel!! ... Ok fine.. I got bored, got drunk and then passed out in the snow, whatever!
I spent the first 20 minutes of 2014 looking for the remote.
You ever notice “q”, “p”, “b” and “d” is the same letter but with a different angle.