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I wear a cape when I`m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I`m going somewhere to fight crime.
You left a note on the fridge saying "This isn`t working. Goodbye" but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don`t get it.
Why does the alphabet need to be in order anyway
I choked on a carrot this afternoon and all I could think was "I bet a cupcake wouldn`t have done this to me."
If you don’t like being tailgated then don’t play movies I like.
Does anyone else make transformer noises when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
A graham cracker is just a white dude selling coke in the ghetto.
I can read Spanish, Chinese, Russian and Italian. As long as it`s written in english.
Today is National Fritters Day. I don`t know what that means, so I just went naked today. Gotta be something like that.
After all these years I finally figured out that that last little piece of soap is more trouble than it`s worth.
I`m astounded at how fast my "I survived Ebola" t-shirt got me to the front of the Black Friday lines this year..
Sidenote #2: Always have your middle finger ready on standby.
If you can`t handle me at my worst I completely understand, because I can`t either.
No matter how nice I ask random people, nobody will take me to Funkytown.