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People like you are the reason why the middle finger was invented
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
Whenever I check my weight, I always subtract 5 pounds. I don`t think that boobs and brains this fabulous should count against me.
I always keep a Mexican restaurant on speed dial in queso emergency.
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
Now that "twerk" has been added to the dictionary, I can`t wait for a Spelling Bee judge to be asked to use it in a sentence.
I try to find the good in every situation. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
People who describe things as “better than sex” are having the wrong kind of sex.
I wonder if the two guys arguing over r2d2 and roadrunner ever get laid.
I don`t know what`s longer, a treadmill minute or a microwave minute.
If you want to see exactly how angry a person can get, tell them to "calm down" when they`re already pissed off.
I don`t take steroids because I never want to look like I`m capable of helping my friends move.
Not every flower can say love, but a rose did. Not every plant can survive thirst, but a cactus did. Not every dummy can read, but look at you go...... *high 5*
The point of no return sounds like a fun vacation spot.