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I went to the store and saw that Duracell batteries were on sale just before Valentine`s Day. Someone is a marketing genius.
Burger King is offering delivery service in some areas. I don’t trust it. Everyone knows it’s impossible to drive without eating the fries.
For every bad idea you have, I’m always there to tell you…I’m in.
Wife: You always blame other people for your problems. Me: Yeah, and whose fault is that?
When a movie says "Based on a true story." it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
Figure it out people. It’s a 4-way stop sign not a woman.
If you work Security in a Samsung store does that make you a Guardian of the Galaxy?
I`m obviously smarter than you`re
Why is it that whenever you dial a wrong number, somebody always answers?
Why is it always "I see you drank all the beer today!" instead of, "Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator."
Nothing says "I`m unemployed" like wishing for snow on Facebook.
Answering your cell when you don`t recognize the number is like picking up a hitchhiker.
The problem with money is that too much of it belongs to people who aren’t me.
I`m not real excited that the wrapping on my toilet paper said `100% Recycled`.
I did a terrible job preparing for my Blue Man Group audition and boy is my face red