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I find you`re total lack of ambition is inspiring.
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
I took a sexual harassment course this afternoon.... I think I am going to be pretty good at it.
I wish the media and politicians would stop jumping to delusions.
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
She might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty`s only a light switch away.
"Why do you hate me"? I say as I attempt to hold my cat like a baby
I`m as conflicted as a strip club addict with a glitter allergy.
I got pulled over for drunk driving last night... In my defense I didn`t even know I was driving.
My favorite thing about winter...waking up from hibernation!
Boobs are like the Sun. You can stare at them directly just for a few seconds, but if you put on sunglasses, you can stare as much as you want!
A cop comes up to a man on the street. Cop: Seen anything unusual? Man: A dolphin with a hat once. Cop: I mean around here. Man: No, they live in water.
OK look, if I meet you for a date and you don`t look anything like your pic, then you`re buying drinks for me until you do.
Twitter is proof that people should not be allowed to name themselves.
I went frisbee golfing today. I didn`t get an ace, but I did hit a guy and that was just as satisfying.