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Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
You’re the reason I wake up everyday... Just kidding I have a job!!
Never take a laxative and a sleeping aid on the same night. dont ask me why.
Dating a woman in 5 easy steps: 1. Be attentive 2. Don`t be too attentive 3. Show interest 4. Don`t show too much interest 5. Seek therapy
Every club is a strip club, if you have the money. Every zoo is a petting zoo, if you have the balls.
I have learned that pleasing everyone is impossible…but pissing everyone off is easy and fun as hell!
There is no such thing as failure. There are only results.
Any time that I see someone wearing crocs, I assume they lost a bet.
You know when you`re exercising and feel like you could keep going and going? That`s happened to me, only with beer.
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says "cheers" so.... no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
Whenever I feel that someone is about to sneeze I yell “PIKA!” & they’re like “CHU!”. I don’t have any friends.
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like `responsibility`
The easiest way to distract a woman is to show her a picture of herself.
There is no better sunscreen than sitting in a bar.
The cashier at this self checkout is horrible.