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I want to spend the rest of my life photo bombing the Google street view camera shots dressed as Waldo.
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
If I could have sex with anyone, living or dead, I`d probably pick living.
If only life was as easy as getting fat.
Do u ever have the urge to tell someone to shut up even when they arent talking?
"Size DOES matter", I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
There`s no mirrors in this self checkout?!?
My sister says god`s greatest gifts are unanswered prayers, so I bought her a vibrator because she`s obviously never had an orgasm.
I hear boomerangs are making a comeback.
Marriage is a wonderful institution... but who wants to live in an institution?
Example of the difference between `You`re`and `Your`: 1. "You`re nuts" = "You are nuts" 2. "Your nuts" = "What about my nuts?"
I like confusing kids by telling them I`m older than the internet
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
With my eyes. That`s how I roll.
You care so much about me? Keep that sh*t to yourself i got my demons under control