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A good husband is like a bra. He should be supportive and help support your burdens, but mostly he`s just there to touch your boobs.
Professor X can move anything with his mind... except his legs.
This is bullshit. It`s like the cops don`t even know that the speed limit is different when you`re listening to AC/DC.
If you come to myspace and twitter about my yahoo, can I google over your facebook?
Ever noticed how fast people walk across the road when you don`t apply the brakes
Shout out to the post office for delivering my recycling to me every day.
I don’t use Siri because I have to deal with enough women who have no personality and know everything.
I`m not leaving here without some kind of balloon.
A gay man is just one colonoscopy away from foreplay
Confession #156: I always prepare myself before stepping on the escalator
Every time I`m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
Having a 14 year old has made me realize why some species eat their young.
Born free. Now, I’m expensive.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I`m not sure what it means.