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I`m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn`t incorporated into more American Holidays.
Helpful Tip: A ceiling fan won`t cut a bagel in half ... Not even on top speed
*Removes smoke detector battery *Cooks in silence
It is only when you see a mosquito landing on your testicles that you realise that there is always a way to solve problems without violence
I tend to say “I dont know” when I’m too lazy to think.
I bet Waldo`s parents are worried sick.
Pro tip for picking up girls - keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
I may be crazy but I say if you can`t talk to yourself, who can you talk to.
Apparently I snore so loudly that it scares everyone in the car I`m driving.
My life is spent trying to get people to give me the silent treatment.
Played hide and seek today. I was winning until the cops let the K9 off of the leash.
Are you really sorry or are you just Charlie Sheen sorry?
I’m still kind of pissed they never told us how to get to Sesame Street.
You never outgrow sleepovers, they just become coed.
Just been watching Ladies Beach volleyball and there`s already been a wrist injury...but I should be ok in a couple days.