Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
Parallel lines have so much in common, it`s a shame they`ll never meet
Yes we`re friends on facebook but that`s where it ends, stop trying to talk to me in real life... mom
There`s no mirrors in this self checkout?!?
My favorite all time cooking shows: 1. Iron Chef 2. Hell`s Kitchen 3. Breaking bad
Sometimes I think my job is actually a hidden-camera game show where they see how much absurd bullshit I’ll put up with before I catch on.
They say 1 in 3 people cheat in a relationship. I`m not sure if its my wife or my girlfriend.
In about 20 years, that cherry tattoo on your cleavage is gonna look like a pair of raisins and that butterfly you got tatted on back is gonna look like a moth.
It`s always awkward ending phone calls with loved ones. I always say, "I love you" and they`re like, "thank you for choosing Domino`s."
Thanks to my mom, I put my name on all of my underwear so they`re easier to spot when I go through the bar`s lost and found box.
I never cry over spilt milk. But, beer? That sh!t`s totally different.
My wife asked me to load the dishwasher. So I poured her some shots and told her to start drinking. And that`s how the fight started.
She says I keep pushing her buttons. If that were true, I would have found `mute` by now.
It`s all rainbows and sunshine until he breaks your heart, then it`s voodoo dolls and arson reports.
Sometimes in the morning while drinking my coffee, I think about all the people I will be pissing off.
They say money doesn`t bring you happiness.... I say....neither does being broke....