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Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
You know it`s been a good day when you finally take your pajamas off - and put some new ones on.
Accidentally bought a bag of raw almonds. Turns out I don`t like almonds, I like salt.
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Facebook. So sadly, this will be my last joke….. in which I talk about having a wife.
Everything in earthquake-prone areas should be built on top of a giant Tempurpedic mattress.
If you like to listen to music while having sex, listen to a live album. That way you will get an applause every 3-4 minutes.
Not All Of The `Goodbyes` Are Sad (eg. * Goodbye School * Goodbye Work)
I love my six pack so much, I protect it with a layer of fat.
Life before the computer: Memory was something that you lost with age. An application was for employment. A program was a TV show. A cursor used profanity. A keyboard was a piano. A web was a spider’s home. A virus was the flu. A CD was a bank account. A hard drive was a long trip on the road. A mouse pad was where a mouse lived. And if you had a 3 1/2 inch floppy…you just hoped nobody found out.
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
I`m astounded at how fast my "I survived Ebola" t-shirt got me to the front of the Black Friday lines this year..
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want freshly grated parmesan.
I asked my girlfriend why she never tells me when she orgasms. She said she doesn`t like phoning me at work.
He said he liked surprises, but when I showed up late at night dressed as a clown and knocked on his window, it`s all screaming and sh!t.
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you`ve got alzheimers.