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I`d be willing to sleep my way to the top if it actually meant sleeping.
Calm down, take a deep breath and hold it for about 20 minutes.
Republicans are red, Democrats are blue. The government is shut down cause neither one gives a damn about you.
My wife thinks I`m at work. My boss thinks I`m home sick. These ducks think I`m awesome because I have the bread.
3 wishes for when I find a genie: 1. The more I eat the skinnier I get 2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist 3. Other kid owns a winery
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
The Australian kiss is just like the French kiss but down under.
None of my coworkers get why I have fishbowl with no fish. It`s because fish can`t survive in my secret reservoir of vodka.
The best things in life can`t be seen or touched....well, at least that`s what the restraining order says.
Remember, I`m always here if you need shoulders for your ankles to lie on.
Dear eyelashes, wishbones, dandelions, pennies, shooting stars, 11:11, and birthday candles ... Do your damn job.
is without a doubt, the most popular and best looking person using this laptop.
Due to no supervision and sheer lack of self control; I sincerely with GREAT guilt! Here now inform you. I ate your banana split
Well it`s almost time for that " New Year -- New Me " bullsh_t again!
The Spanish version of the Subway jingle “65.63 Peso 0.3 meter largo” isn’t quite as catchy…