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When I said make yourself at home, I meant go wash my dishes.
Just tried to pay for my McDonalds with a hug, it didn`t work. Don`t believe the rumors.
If you can’t celebrate Valentine’s Day with someone you love, celebrate it with alcohol and pizza.
My kid’s teacher told me my kid is obsessed with video games and that I need to work with her on it. I’m like I do. I’m player 2.
I can`t believe the music that kids listen to now-a-days! What ever happened to wholesome music like "Push It" and "Me So Horny"?
I saw a girl being irresponsible texting while driving and it really ticked me off.....So I rolled down my window and threw my beer at her.
My New Year`s Resolution is to stop making late decisions.
The best sign of a healthy relationship is no sign of it on Facebook.
LADIES: Not all men get into a relationship just for sex. Some just need a personal chef.
Life is like a p@nis. Simple, soft, straight, relaxed and hanging freely. Then women make it hard
If you tell me you`re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
Dear Stomach: You`re bored, not hungry. Shut up.
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else...
I have four missed calls from my mom. A rescure team is gonna break down my door and find me sitting on my couch in my underwear eating cheetos any minute now.
Most hated song in jail: "Bad Boys, Bad Boys, whatcha gonna do when they come for you"......