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I bet more people would call the Gambling Addicts Helpline if they made every 5th caller a winner.
Prostitution must be a hole sale business.
Me: spends 12 hours comparing teams before completing NCAA bracket, loses $50. GF: Spends 5 minutes picking teams with "cute" mascot names, wins $1000.
All the advantages right-handed people have are cancelled out when we have to do our banking at the drive-up ATM left-handed.
To the untrained eye, I`m quite handsome.
The difference between cheating on your wife and cheating on your taxes is if you tell the truth, the IRS still wants to f*ck you.
Don`t judge me just because I sin differently from you.
hearing that Jesus loves you is very nice unless you`re in a Mexican prison
Did you know that DNA actually stands for "National Dislectic Association"
Sometimes you have to flip out and go bat sh!t crazy to make a point.
Why doesn`t someone invent a clear toaster? Then you could see how toasted your toast is while it`s toasting.
If there’s one thing that having kids will teach you, it’s home repair.
If you never jumped from sofa to sofa as a kid to avoid the lava, then you missed out on childhood.
I`m sure the guy standing at the urinal next to me, regrets wearing those flip flops today.
Hysterical Shrieking should be reserved for truly serious situations such as Centipedes, Spiders, and that Creepy Uncle that likes to give everyone back rubs.....