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I really hate it when people need constant re-assurance. You know what I mean?
I wish "it`s the thought that counts" worked for housework.
Spoiler alert: I unplugged your fridge.
If a girl bangs ten dudes in a year she is a slut. If a guy done he`s gay. Definitely gay.
How did Mexico keep enough people from crossing the border to field a full soccer team?
Very excited to announce I`m on the market and actively looking for someone new to make me miserable
And yet another year goes by with People magazine failing to recognize my beauty.
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults - $9.00, Under 12 - $ 6.00, Under 3 - $249.00
Car sex is not fun...that tailpipe BURNS
Does "Can I take your order?" sometimes mean "Let`s start a new life together" or am I reading too much into this?
I`m leaving my body to science fiction
I don`t get why people say "They were busting their ass"? Wasn`t it already cracked to begin with?
Every time someone says "Have a nice day!", I yell "DON`T F**KING TELL ME WHAT TO DO!"
wife: It`s ruining date night me: It`s ruining date night because you`re letting it ruin date night hitchhiker: Just drop me off on the corner
Accidentally missed the freeway exit for home, now I`m heading north to start a new life.