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What idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
I`m really wanting to sit and watch a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
Saw a girl with three lip piercings, took everything in my power not to attach a shower curtain
I`m not impatient. You`re just slow.
Forget the hero part, I just like the fact that Batman punches clowns.
I forgot to make a resolution, so I`m pretty much going to just write out everything I did last night and add the word "stop" to the beginning.
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night.
Do you ever get up in the morning and look in the mirror and say, "that can`t be right"?
This status is mine....I licked it.
In my porno they`d deliver the pizza after they had sex because otherwise it`d just get cold.
Anyone who wastes my time is a clocksucker.
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
I want it all and I want it delivered.
You know why it`s called almond milk? Cuz you can`t say nut juice with a straight face
I`d like to thank the person who looked at a buzzing Bee-hive and thought: "Those ba$tards are hiding something delicious in there I know it."