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Nothing shuts my pie hole more than an actual pie.
I`ve been having really bad headaches lately. The doctor said they were all in my head.
The next time you feel you’re worthless…. just remember…. your organs are worth a LOT of money on the black market.
If I ever get real rich, I hope I`m not mean to poor people, like I am now.
I just responded to a text message with: I can`t hear you, you`re breaking up.
If its the thought that counts, then I`ve banged so many hot chicks.
"Omg. Why does this store have so many naked pictures of me?"... "Sir those are mirrors, and we`re gonna have to ask you to leave."
Millions of innocent coconuts are murdered each year so you can drink their nutritious blood you insensitive health freak
Nobody cleans a house faster than a man expecting to get laid.
I`m starting to think I overuse exclamation points. It ends today. Right now. I`ll never ever use one again. I`m so excited about it. Yes.
Do you ever look through old pictures and wonder, “Where the hell did that shirt go?”
Good friends do not let you do stupid things….. alone :)
Tried to donate blood today but they had too many questions about where I got it.
This Facebook is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
Due to political correctness issues, "Krazy Glue" will now be known as "Mental Disorder Glue."