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I only say "God bless you" twice. If you sneeze a third time I assume you cant be blessed and you`re a demon who must be destroyed.
I’m a really down to earth guy because, you know, gravity.
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Facebook. So sadly, this will be my last joke….. in which I talk about having a wife.
Before criticizing my taste, remember that I like you.
"What doesn`t kill you makes you smaller." -Super Mario
When they say all expenses paid, does that include bail?
Some days, I think that Dexter dude has the right idea.
What happens in Vegas never happens to me
Sometimes I just wish people were as easy to forget as PIN numbers.
I can`t wait to be rich so I can price things from high to low instead of low to high when shopping online.
You can tell by a woman`s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
I wonder whether I can trust doctors with dead plants in the waiting room.
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth`s rotation, we were all speeding.
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
“Is it food time yet?” = The summarization of most of my thoughts.